Ballad of a Male Hairdresser

Tony was an artist, a man who had a flair,

He was a hair designer and excelled at women’s hair.

He had a little pink salon, he did it up himself

And Tony was a happy man though he was on the shelf.

He’d never had a lover, a virgin Tony was.

His cherry it remained intact the reason was because,

Tony he was fussy and he wanted real romance,

Not simply someone who would want to get inside his pants.

But Tony he was lucky, one day he won a million,

The first thing that he did was go and get a nice Brazilian.

And though he was quite cold at first he thought it rather cute,

So Tony felt the time had come to share his little loot.

One night he met Alan, a really striking fellow,

And Tony took a look and shook and felt his heart go mellow.

So when the chance arose and Alan turned out to be willing,

Tony he decided it was time to get a drilling.

So he took him home to mother, they went upstairs after eight,

Though Tony he was nervous and he pleaded with his mate

“Please don’t hurt me dahling! Please be soft and kind?”
And Alan smiled a loving smile and ravished his behind.

So they became a couple; a pair a loving two,

And Tony and his Alan every evening had a screw,

And Tony’s loving partner was living off the land,

‘Cause every day he gave his gay companion a wee hand.

One day Tony came back home, a woman lay in bed,

And Tony burst out crying when he saw that Alan’s head

Was buried in her boobies – so he wasn’t gay at all!

And Tony said “Now I see red!” and ran out to the hall,

And then he stopped and checked himself – and went back in once more,

And realised ‘twas mother who was Alan’s little whore.

So Tony beat them both to death then drank a poison brew,

And just before he died - he put the seat down on the loo.

Young Amish Sex Criminal

“He should be locked away for ten

Years!” the victim cried before the court.

She mopped her fearful brow again

And started her report.

“He came up from behind me sir;

Then touched my long blonde hair.”

The people gasped, they pitied her

Her assailant could only stare.

“And there is more!” she stressed -

“He spoiled me for every other.

I caught him looking at my breast

When laundering with mother -

And then the ultimate offence,

He asked me for a kiss!”

The atmosphere got really tense

The jury gave a hiss.

They gave the boy a sentence

That would befit his crime,

A ‘Playboy’ and a ‘Hustler’

And some lengthy bathroom time.

Seven Deadly Sins - Part 1

Greed

Georgy Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

Later, sometime during college,

Georgy gave them carnal knowledge.

Envy

As I was going to St. Ives

I met a man with seven wives…

...Lucky Muslim bastard!

Lust

Mary had a little lamb,

She sued her obstetrician.

She said he should have warned her

About the mutton position.

Pride

U2 sang about it –

It comes before a fall -

A collective noun for lions -

And I … have none at all.

Flasher!

Jay put on his Mackintosh

And headed for the park,

He had a lot to do there

Before daylight turned to dark.

The first he met was Wanda,

And her he scandalised!

Though Jay was pretty sure

He saw a twinkle in her eyes!

Then along came Trudy,

Latino – what an ass!

And Jay did something awful

As she innocently passed.

Next two dear old ladies,

Two grand old New York dames,

Saw Jay perform his little dance

And crashed their Zimmer frames!

And Jay was having such a blast

This pastime was so cool!

Until he flashed a nun who

Taught nearby in Catholic school.

She grabbed it and she pulled it

And she yanked it till it broke

Now Jay’s no longer a flasher,

In fact, he’s not even a bloke!