Ballad of a Male Hairdresser

Tony was an artist, a man who had a flair,

He was a hair designer and excelled at women’s hair.

He had a little pink salon, he did it up himself

And Tony was a happy man though he was on the shelf.

He’d never had a lover, a virgin Tony was.

His cherry it remained intact the reason was because,

Tony he was fussy and he wanted real romance,

Not simply someone who would want to get inside his pants.

But Tony he was lucky, one day he won a million,

The first thing that he did was go and get a nice Brazilian.

And though he was quite cold at first he thought it rather cute,

So Tony felt the time had come to share his little loot.

One night he met Alan, a really striking fellow,

And Tony took a look and shook and felt his heart go mellow.

So when the chance arose and Alan turned out to be willing,

Tony he decided it was time to get a drilling.

So he took him home to mother, they went upstairs after eight,

Though Tony he was nervous and he pleaded with his mate

“Please don’t hurt me dahling! Please be soft and kind?”
And Alan smiled a loving smile and ravished his behind.

So they became a couple; a pair a loving two,

And Tony and his Alan every evening had a screw,

And Tony’s loving partner was living off the land,

‘Cause every day he gave his gay companion a wee hand.

One day Tony came back home, a woman lay in bed,

And Tony burst out crying when he saw that Alan’s head

Was buried in her boobies – so he wasn’t gay at all!

And Tony said “Now I see red!” and ran out to the hall,

And then he stopped and checked himself – and went back in once more,

And realised ‘twas mother who was Alan’s little whore.

So Tony beat them both to death then drank a poison brew,

And just before he died - he put the seat down on the loo.